The InnerHouse

Lahdeedasana - Yoga Tee for Summer's Hope

2011-11-28T10:57:00.000-08:00

As we all reflect on what we are thankful for - particularly at this time of year - it would be difficult to neglect thinking of the time each of us spent with Summer.

So the story goes, after some particularly difficult poses during one class, Summer leaned back onto her hands with her legs stretched out in front of her for a brief moment of relaxation and asked everyone to do the "Lahdeedasana". Sherry Zak Morris, Veronica Lisowski and the wonderful team at Yoga Vista Studio have created the Lahdeedasana t-shirt in memory of Summer's playfulness. The 100% organic cotton shirt showcases the golden sun of Summer's Hope at heart center and the teal color of the ocean waves representing ovarian cancer and the many beautiful women she has joined with her passage. Proceeds from the sale of the shirt will support Summer's family during this time of transition.

Please visit http://www.lahdeedasana.com/index.html or http://summershope.com/ for more information and additional pictures.

For the Love of Summer – a Celebration of Life

2011-08-24T18:56:00.000-07:00

Please join The Soul Center and the North County Yoga Community for an evening to honor and celebrate the life of our dear sweet friend, sister and teacher.

Details:
      Sunday, September 11, 2011 from 4pm to 6pm
      The Soul Center (Soul of Yoga)
      627 Encinitas Blvd. in Encinitas CA

As Summer requested, there was no formal funeral or visitation. Her wishes were to bring people together to connect with her through sound and movement – coming together in silence with no formal music, rather sounds such as bowls, drums and other “primal” instruments.   She wanted people to feel whatever came up without anyone invoking a particular emotion, so she requested no talking. Her hope was that those wanting to get together in groups to share stories and memories (or wine) would do so after the celebration or plan those events separately.

Summer’s dharma box will be in the center of the room with pictures and other reminders of her and people can gather (bring a meditation pillow if you’d like), enjoy the music, reflect about Summer and if you desire, you are welcome to place something (a flower, stone, crystal, note, etc.) in the dharma box as a remembrance of her. Summer connected with each of us in unique and beautifully different ways, so please feel free to share anything you would like as a means to connect with her.

Summer Spirit

2011-08-10T08:45:00.000-07:00

Summer taught so many of us about ourselves, our potential and what it means to truly love. With her husband, son and those who have helped care for her surrounding her with that love, our strong, beautiful, graceful, sweet Summer transitioned last night.

As everyone would expect of such an amazing woman with an incredible life force, she fought until the very end and surrendered in a beautiful way. Thank you for all of your love, positive energy, thoughts and prayers as they have been very helpful and meaningful.

Her wishes are to be cremated and not have a traditional funeral service. Instead, there will be some events in the coming days and weeks and we will use her blog to update you with additional information as things are planned.

Summer’s teacher, Pema Chodron, requested that for the next 49 days (today being day 1), whenever any of you think of her, do Tonglen for her. Breathe in any fear and confusion that arises and send out to her relief and happiness.

As our friend and teacher embarks on her next journey, we know that she is always here with us and will forever remind us to dance and love to our fullest potential.

- - - - - - - - - -

Quote by Anais Nin

"It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before, to test your limits, to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Summer Love

2011-08-03T17:47:00.000-07:00

Summer has asked that we use her blog to communicate with all of you as she is no longer to do so for herself. Her medications are working to keep her without pain, distress or discomfort. Her heart rate is elevated and her blood pressure is low. She has very few moments where she is awake or alert, although she seems to manage to find at least one way to teach us something every day! We have been reading e-mails and messages to her so she knows that people are thinking of her, but responding is no longer possible.

A commitment was made to try to keep her at home throughout her transition. With the help of the hospice team, her husband, son and close friends who have been helping with her care around the clock, that promise has been able to be kept thus far.

We will continue to update you as we can.

Changing

2011-07-31T14:51:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody, using a friend to converse with you today ...I am just too fatigued to do it on my own. I didn't want you to get worried so here we are. I am having a hard time with deciding whether to say what sounds better or say what is true. After a long pause ...a painful pause ... I have decided to say what is true. My body is slowing way down. Although my vital signs are still strong, it doesn't feel that way. In fact, it is very difficult to have someone else write this letter. I know so many people want to come see me ...it is just extremely difficult at this time. Although I may not be able to respond, I am reading texts and e-mails.

Always feeling love.
Summer

poz a balls sold

2011-07-22T16:26:00.001-07:00

poz o balls sold...thank you

Lots of Love to everyone

2011-07-22T16:13:00.000-07:00

I'm having symptoms that need some more love...please continue to do what you do best...

Thank you for everything ...always...as Pema says...keep leaning into it...lean into it with me...

Every 5 min is a new view...every moment I appreciate more and more!!!

I love you,
Summer

For SAle

2011-07-22T16:08:00.000-07:00

BRAND NEW!!!!!

Poz a Ball for Pilates or Yoga...soft blow up balls RED
24 TOTAL $10 per ball / discount available if purchased as complete set $5 per ball / $120

Soft Weighted Balls by Sissel 3lb BLUE 22 TOTAL
$11 each or discounted if purchased as complete set
Discount is $6 per ball as set $132

starting off with good spirits

2011-07-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

Much love to every one...feeling the love...

focusing on the love...

anyone who would appreciate pilates training manuals and pilates work books..please contact me...I have advanced level of training workbooks....

I was able to sell the pilates equipment but still have bands and balls and straps and blocks and such...let me know!!!

A better day

2011-07-17T11:24:00.000-07:00

feeling stronger today...used some O2 and it helped I think...when you see me I'm much thinner but my heart and spirit are strong...we can cry and laugh together about what ever comes us for us...I love you and can't wait to visit when our schedules unite...keep trying to connect with me...if I can't don't give up...a week goes by so fast when I have appts and it's hard to fit visitors in sometimes....it's not personal...love you so much...

day by day

2011-07-15T12:19:00.001-07:00

I've had some heavy nauseated days...feeling a little better today...please send love...I love you all so much...thank you for all that you do for me!!!

Connecting

2011-07-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

Although it's a challenge day to day, I am making small improvements. My greatest concern is ongoing nausea. Through hospice and my doctor, we are trying to come up with the right strategy. The decision to have chemo this week is still uncertain due to current symptoms Due to these challenges, I am having trouble communicating day to day. Those of you reaching out to see me, I really want to make that happen so please keep trying through e-mail or text. If I don't respond, it is only because I am at a medical appointment or challenged to get to my phone. At one time we had discussed creating a schedule to rotate friends to either come sit with me during the day or take a night shift to help me take medicine. Although that need is not immediate, it could change very soon. Please start to think about whether you would like to be placed on a daytime or nighttime list. You are always welcome to contact me through e-mail at theinnerhouse@gmail.com and texting to my cell 760.707.7610. Theresa has also offered for you to text her at 760.814.5189 to help make more detailed arrangements if necessary.

It looks like the Pilates Reformer has been sold, however Pilates, Yoga and fitness equipment are still for sale. Most are brand new and some are used.

Always sending love . . .
Summer

managing at home

2011-07-07T08:10:00.000-07:00

It feels fantastic to be home...feeling a bit weak...but so happy to be home...Have a beautiful day ...will be in touch soon...

Urgent Recent Update

2011-07-04T17:15:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the delay...currently in a Hospice facility due to severe complications that happened last Thursday and Friday. Was unable to manage at home and was brought to Parkview home through the hospice care. Symptoms included uncontrollable vomiting and stomach cramps and was unable to keep the medications down to help. I have since been put on an IV dilaudid (narcotics) pump which has helped stabilize the pain and vomiting. This facility does not have internet access which has prevented me from being able to communicate, but today a friend brought a wireless card so we could make this connection. There is so much I want to say but will have more information in the next few days as to where I am going to be and how I am going to continue with a particular treatment. The goal is to be able to come home with the pump by Wednesday afternoon and if that's possible, I will then be able to communicate through my computer at home. I am open to text messages and e-mails that I can reach through my phone (760-707-7610 and theinnerhouse@gmail.com). I have come to learn that things can change at any moment and so everything I am hoping to happen could also change - especially being able to come home. Depending on how long I am here, I may be open to having visitors and will be able to let you know as I know more. Please feel free to contact me through text or e-mail, as it means a lot to me to know you are there. I won't be able to read my blog until I am able to get internet again, so instead of responding to the blog, make sure you respond with e-mail otherwise I won't see it. Please just stay in the moment with me, supporting me with love and courage so that I can get home and be where I am most comfortable. Don't forget to stay connected to http://www.summershope.com/ regarding current fundraisers. If you prefer to have my address, please e-mail.

I love you.
Summer

another day...

2011-06-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

Had a visit from one of the weekly hospice nurses on Mondays...needle changes for port and my weekly shower which allows me to wash my hair...such a treat...steroids seem to helping my feet and yet they are very challenged...Cat scan is now on Thursday instead of Wednesday...teeth cleaning tomorrow...skin check on Friday...phone calls and office stufff to do...medical billing ongoing and organizational stuff that takes hours per week to balance out...was able to see my son today...I haven't seen him since I got out of the hospital...it was a good day today...appreciation for the freedom to drive my car when just a month ago ...I was getting my gtube out...every moment I get to have freedom is amazing...now if I could just bring back walking into my program ...it would be so much better...

Sending love to everyone...thank you for your support...I love you!

letters from a dear friend

2011-06-26T09:56:00.000-07:00

I have permission to share these heart felt letters...it seems like yesterday when I was loving my friend Gladys Alpert through her transition...her husband/ex husband/ whatever title is appropriate was part of that journey with her and the so many of us who got to share with her...these letters are in reference to that time of my life....Thank you Geoff for these beautiful words ...we can all share and cry together

first one from May 2011

My Beloved Summer,

It is so hard for me to put into words what I have been/am feeling for and towards you. Many times I attempted to write you only to fall short of being able of conveying what is in my heart, as it takes me to such a deep and special place within my being. I write this with positive energy, and love. What I am writing to you is sent with my utmost respect, love and gratitude to you always.

As you know, much better than I, we each have only so much control of our lives and destinies. However, what is important is how we each lead our life in the love, joy, care and good deeds we share and ultimately leave with others. In this regard, you have already left your beauty and spirit for so many others to cherish for the rest of their lives. Only God knows what is in store for each of us, when it will be our time to join and reunite with the many friends and family who have preceded us. But hopefully, when it becomes that time, each of us is able to move forward with a smile in our hearts, with courage, dignity, contentment and in peace. At least this is how I think and feel.

When you wrote in your InnerHouse email about coming home from the hospital and being under the care of Scripps Hospice, I couldn't help but think about when Gladys made that decision.

This past Sunday, May 14, 2011, was the 9th anniversary of Gladys' passing. I went to the cemetery, placed some beautiful flowers in the vase, and sat alone with her for quite awhile. As I normally do, silently I discussed many topics with her. One of the items was you. When I said a prayer for you and asked Glad to help look over you, I saw her smiling with arms fully open. A smile came across my face as the tears were falling down my cheeks. I realized that nothing needed to be said by me as she had it all under control. It was as if I broached a subject matter where I was way behind. Not only in timing but also in the depth of scope and understanding. The energy was warm and bright and I was reassured that everything will be fine. I sincerely hope that this brings you warmth and not sadness.

I guess I will close this by repeating something I have told you before. Summer, I love you and am forever in gratitude to you. You were there for the most special person in my life, Gladys, throughout her entire ordeal. You have been there as a friend, mentor and support for me and my daughters. I can only imagine what you are dealing with and am there for you in any way you desire. The only need I have concerning you is to do anything which brings you peace, comfort, ease your pain and to be free once again.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

With All My Love,

Geoff

Second letter from a few days ago june 2011

Summer,

So sad to read what you wrote regarding meeting with your Doctor (6/24/11). As you well know, these were many of the same thoughts and feelings that Gladys dealt with during her battle with the disease. To me, she is the bravest and most courageous person I ever have known - the way she dealt with all the pain, feelings, emotions, etc. I see the same qualities in you even though I am so distant in seeing what you have been and are experiencing on a daily basis.

I think the greatest thing I did for Gladys during her last days was to put my own feelings of sorrow, grief and emptiness regarding her soon-to-be passing on the back burner and really try to focus on helping her to feel free, be at peace and be able to let go when it was her time. I have shared this with you before. She fought and held on much longer than was expected mostly because of her love for our daughters, especially Briana. She was so concerned for them. So, most of my final private time with her in her final month was to assure her that I would always be there for them, that they would be ok and realize the love and foundation she had already set for them. I also had to let go and know that it would be a short absence in time before we could reunite and be together forever, in a better place.

Although your situation and battle is so different, it is also much the same as Gladys'. The love and appreciation I carry in my heart for you leads me to the same place, wishing you peace and to be free when your time comes. Whether that time is days, weeks, months or years, I hope you are able to not burden yourself with all the worries and fears that bind us here on earth. I hope you realize and feel so good about the person you are and have been for all who know you.

I send you all my love. positive thoughts and hopes that you are able to lead your life without fear and worry. We have no control when it is to be our time to move forward in our never-ending journey but we do control what we do here and leave for others. This is where you already shine with your family, friends, students and acquaintances. When you want to cry then cry but also find the happiness and peace that you have inside and have shared with so many others. As Gladys wrote, you are a true angel. Please know peace and contentment in your heart and soul.

With All My Love,

Geoff

phone call with Pema Chodron

2011-06-25T16:59:00.000-07:00

I just had one of the greatest experiences in my lifetime...I had a phone meeting with Pema Chodron for an hour this afternoon...I will slowly share over time our conversation...for now....my heart is full and rich and so appreciative that she and I have finally been able to connect...we were supposed to meet several times in the last several years so we could establish a formal teacher student relationship...she wanted to meet me before committing to her busy schedule...a schedule that almost makes it impossible to take on new students...however, she was willing to add me to her student list but due to my medical needs was unable to get to Colorado...Berkley and Nova Scotia ...all of which were in the works the past few years .

Today we finally connected formally and acknowledged our teacher student relationship in our now unique way...her voice on the phone sounds even younger than her audio recordings...she is amazing and our conversation has and will continue to mean the world to me...in more ways than anyone including her will ever know.

She has requested photos of me with additional information so she can practice Tonglen with me ongoing and I have been given permission to contact her at any time for more of her wisdom as things should come up...

For now...a general view...
We talked about the real fear of Pain...we talked about Death on many levels...we talked about Life...she shared stories that were very helpful...

it is clear why she is my teacher ...she is like no other...

We talked about perception of illness and the blame that is often viewed by some as karma with or without blame and what that does to the person who is ill...she has a very strong opinion about that...

More to come...for now..I was too excited not to share this immediatly!!!!!

I did ask for permission to share my phone conversation with her...she was open and loving about me sharing on my blog...thank you Pema..I love you

expanded to an eight hour stretch for detox

2011-06-25T15:10:00.000-07:00

oral meds are now out to an 8 hour stretch...had to start steroids for my feet ...already see an improvement on my feet regarding the severe burning...have a wonderful sunny day...much love to everyone...

Pilates equipment for sale

2011-06-24T17:20:00.000-07:00

I will need to sell my Pilates equipment...a complete studio...reformer ....chair...and so much more...excellent for a Pilates enthusiast or a teacher who wants to add equipment to existing studio...also perfect for a home based Pilates business..equipment in excellent condition...please contact me through email
theinnerhouse@gmail.com

Equipment is from Balanced Body

Also for sale are brand new in packages...3lb weighted balls and also the soft pilates blow up balls ...brand new...more fitness equipment also for sale

New fundraiser!!!

2011-06-24T16:53:00.001-07:00

Please go to
www.summershope.com for info on a new fundraiser

Tri for Summer

from my meeting with my Doctor today

2011-06-24T16:28:00.000-07:00

I confessed my fears today and I shared my innermost heart felt emotions during my appt today...

We had a serious conversation about quality of life and I'm at the cusp of weighing what my treatment is doing vs improvement vs pain caused by it...if you look at me..I don't look sick...no one would know...and then he looked at my feet and was horrified by the severity of the toxic reaction I'm having to this chemo...tonight I have to start a series of steroids and my next chemo has been cancelled. It will be determined in a few weeks if I am to continue on with this chemo or any other chemo.

Today was one of the most difficult days of my life emotionally... truly facing what is coming ...even if chemo buys me a few more months or even a year...and then how long will it take once I stop all treatment??? So many unknowns...it could be months...it could be less ...it could be more...no way to know...what are the expected complications as the cancer grows...what are unexpected??? How to stay positive when pain may be around the corner...it's not the pain that hospice can help me with ...it's the pain from the procedures in radiology...if and when I need another tube in my belly or to drain fluid if it should accumulate...the bowel obstruction pain that we all know about from previous blog entries...why can't I just pass without all of that worry??? It's easy to suggest not to worry until you get there but it's not so easy once you have been on this other side of it...the pain is more than real...it's beyond words ....

Trying to continue to navigate the finances and to just keep asking...is there anyone out there who can offer me ongoing help? Please email me for my address ... the innerhouse@gmail.com

I have filed for certain disability programs and it could take months to even get anything ...if at all...

I just have to open my heart and keep asking....I don't know how to be here with the emotions that I feel ...and yet...I don't get to run away...I just keep wanting to give love and feel love...

My Doctor and I held each other crying...I continue to cry...I have the tools to not run away and yet....all I can do is cry...grieving for my life...grieving for wanting to stay ...grieving for all of the other woman who have what I have and whom have passed and who have had pain...

I guess today I just need to cry...

I love you.

7 hour interval starts today...life goes on with uncertainty and fear and love

2011-06-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

...almost off of the oral pain meds...since my pain was related to the g tube...actually...the intense pain began as an upper bowel obstruction...after the g tube was placed and the bowel obstruction improved...the pain was directly caused by the g tube...June 1 the g tube was painfully removed ( unusual for most...I'm now finding I have severe pain when there is any invasion in my abdomen) and the pain diminished to zero...then the cold turkey off of the dilaudid was mistakenly done through hospice...drugs were put back into my system ...fentenyl patch and oxycodone ...so I could slowly detox the drugs from my system....as I remain pain free
( a place I have come to appreciate beyond belief) I continue to ween myself off of all meds ...I'm now at a seven hour interval from the orals and on sunday the plan is to slowly decrease the patch amount.

The current chemo I'm on is causing my feet to blister and burn so I haven't been able to go for my walks that I love so much...and yet ...I have it so much better than most....I'm still so grateful...I know what I'm facing now...I know the chemo I'm on can only be used for less than one year...actually around 9 months unless the side effects become too much. I know what is happening and I'm preparing every moment for what is coming. I know there are miracles and I also know the pain that I have felt is haunting me. I never knew pain could be so traumatic.

I have the tools from my spiritual training to surrender...to allow...to dissolve...and there are moments when I can do this...then ...I find myself waking up in the night afraid of the pain that may be around the corner....then I find peace again and so it goes...around and around and around...if it weren't for the love of all of you I don't know how I would have made it so far...I feel your love and I welcome it into my life on all levels.

I meet with my Dr. this friday ( a normal appt that happens before chemo...next chemo is number 4 on July 5) I'm also hopeful that maybe we can establish a relationship with radiology so if and when I may need tubes or drainage procedures that they treat me with the humane understanding that for some CRAZY reason...I have PAIN when most feel relief...it's not just PAIN it is unimaginable pain. While I was in the hospital the last time...I was getting another tube put in and they didn't give me enough pain meds and I was screaming out " I FEEL THIS !!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!! Pain continued...

I wasn't going to say anything about this again but so many of you have told me that because of the honesty of this blog...it is helping so many of you who find yourself in places where you don't know what to do ...what to say...what to ask for...

I continue to navigate through the financial craziness of my situation...I'm in hospice through my insurance which means I have a few categories as to where financial responsibility lies...for instance...I just found out the CAT scan that I'm supposed to get next week is not covered because I'm with hospice ...even though...I can still see my Dr. for care...this has become incredibly complicated and frightening...the money from the fundraiser that was so lovingly raised through summer's hope and others has been going directly to pay for medical bills that were already coming in...now more bills are mounting and money is running out again...

I'm currently filing for social security benefits which will help a small amount but will not be enough to pay the newest bills coming in and it takes months for it to kick in...I don't know what to do other than to ask for continued support as the summershope fundraiser ran through April and that money is almost gone...I'm embarrassed to have to keep asking but the truth is I need help ongoing...I'm allowed to receive gifts and donations ...there is a pay pal account set up through the summershope website and there is the option of sending directly to me...I'm really scared and the financial worries have been exhausting ...with the generosity that has allowed me to live so far ...it's so hard to keep asking...please let me know if any of you can continue to help me or if you know of anyone who has financial abundance and you can direct them to me.To qualify for certain programs you really have to be homeless...I know what I qualify for and what I don't...I have already had help looking into this. My current health insurance is what is also allowing me to have hospice...that amount to just have that exceeds $1200 per month...other ways to get on hospice are possible but I don't qualify. The medical bills that I thought were not my responsibility become my responsibility due to so many reasons it would take hours to explain it...I was on the phone for over 4 hours yesterday just so I could buy more time with appeals and this is a part time job...I have to pay or it will go to collections...

All I can do is ask for your ability to help me...I would appreciate it so much! I didn't want to file for social security because I always came back to work...All I want to do is come back to work..I miss my life and I miss all of you and all I want to do is to live my life..

I have spent my entire career helping others and forgot or didn't know how to set up a plan for myself...I made enough money to share expenses and just wasn't able to financially build myself a nest egg...then time passed so quickly and other illnesses began to happen and then more and more time passed me by just trying to get by...I'm trying to fall back into the net of surrender...I'm trying to trust ...I'm trying to take the remaining breaths that I have and honor love in all directions ...to shower all of you with my love and support...to let myself go if that is what is being asked of me...

Please help me to surrender.. I will help you too!

I love you

slow detox

2011-06-21T15:10:00.000-07:00

I now have stretched out to a 6 hour interval for the meds...by sunday I should be off of the pills and will then need to ween off of the medication patch.

Feeling so many things...mainly missing all of you...I love you

a good change in detox

2011-06-18T13:58:00.000-07:00

I have now begun to stretch the 1/2 tablet to every 5 hours instead of 4 hours...another good change...just now going to take a bath and embrace this beautiful day...

Love to everyone...

learning to surrender

2011-06-16T17:51:00.000-07:00

every moment...learning to surrender...to feel fear and gratitude at the same time has me perplexed much of the time...I want to be fearless and then I'm sucked into this vortex...I must be gentle ...a slight delay to my day as I felt very fatigued...coming off of these drugs is rough...I'm now at 1/2 of a tablet every 4 hours...next step is coming...

love

2011-06-15T17:19:00.000-07:00

Love is fearless in the midst of the sea of fear.
♥ Rumi ♥

day by day

2011-06-15T15:33:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's already Wednesday...still coming off of the detox regimen...I should be at 1/2 of a pill by tomorrow every 4 hours...the next step is to change the time duration from 4 hours to 5 hours to 6 hours and then done...by the weekend I should be off of the regular pain meds and then it will be time to reduce the patch slowly every 3 days ...it has been quite the experience...Thank you to some of my Blend class friends who were able to come and visit...I have missed you all so much...it will be good to see the rest of you next time...thank you so much for all of the love...the ache in my heart from not teaching and showing up to classes is so strong...I ache for so much right now...I ache for my life as I knew it...it's all about learning to surrender to what is...such a strong lesson regarding attachment...I have the tools....and yet...the feeling...ugh...so strong

today has been a great day

2011-06-12T20:08:00.000-07:00

what a great day today...tomorrow will be what will be ...will certainly appreciate another wonderful day...not waiting for something good ...just appreciating it when it does...LOVE is just the way it is...LOVE thank you for your love

stable

2011-06-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

stability is my friend ...one moment at a time is all I keep saying and it's all I can be and do and feel...so many positives...

Good news...we have been given permission to stay throughout the year instead of having to move in August...it's a HUGE relief...now...back to purging room to room and sending items to charity and the dump...over the next several months as I get stronger...the detox will be ongoing for a while...slowly coming down from them taking me back up ( the drugs)...g tube site is almost healed...fullness in belly is stable ...not gone just better than yesterday...I'll take it...

I miss everyone...I miss you ...I miss teaching ...I miss yoga in a group...I miss you all so much!!!!

I love you!!!

not feeling well

2011-06-10T14:10:00.000-07:00

not feeling so well since last night...stomach area feels full and detox symptoms seem to be more present...please send me strength...don't want to go down this road...

getting through the detox and chemo

2011-06-08T16:16:00.000-07:00

I'm still having to take a significant amount of drugs so I can start to ween myself back down around Sunday ...will still be on some type of drug therapy for several weeks as it takes that long to detox ...the hope is for all drugs to be minimized. More diagnostic tests will be done the end of June...the best news is that I'm responding well to the chemo other than my feet.

As medical bills keep coming in I am reminded how incredible the community has been in regards to the donations most recently...it's the only way I have been able to survive...I have to continue to trust that all will be provided for...the act of giving and receiving will be honored and as I continue to love and give ...it will also come back around for me as well...

I have done well with the 3rd cycle of chemo...I could share small details of this and that but overall...I'm ok in this moment. My feet are slowly improving...my g tube site is healing...the hardest part is staying in the moment...the what ifs start to enter my brain and the suffering begins to scream at me...I know a lot of my feelings are the intense side effects of the drugs...

it will be ok..thank you for your love...I can't say it enough...please know I'm always here for you too!

I'm still on the TPN...liquid nutrition...so now I'm down to one bag attached to my body 14 hours per day...then I get a little freedom...I was attached to 3 tubes/bags...very grateful for that freedom.. I have also been adding a little bit more food...just a wee bit...organic baby food...purred soup ect...just a few spoonfuls...the plan is to come off of the TPN too!!! I just have to be able to replace 1300 calories with adequate nutrition...

Until the next report...love love love every moment...love love love

kind words from James Donavon

2011-06-08T16:02:00.000-07:00

Another beautiful expression from James Donavon...haven't met him in person yet...it feels like I've known him a lifetime...

"Just want you to know, I'm with you on every breath with the conviction that persistence such as you've been showing for so long will soon be rewarded.

Like getting a jet airplane off the ground, it takes so much torque to provide the necessary lift...which can be achieved only when that level is reached.

I sense that the necessary "lift" for you is finally at hand.

I could say hang in there, but that is second nature for you.

Remember, it's always darkest before the storm.

Rainbows and blue skies are in the forecast for you.

Every day you are a day closer.

If this appears to be a miracle, it's really not. It's just another example of how the human spirit and persistence can combine to triumph over any adversity!"

Admiringly yours,

Jim Donovan

preparing for chemo #3 tomorrow

2011-06-06T17:56:00.000-07:00

There is so much to share and I don't know where to begin...I'll start from today and try to work my way back...

Friday ...it was determined by hospice that due to the trauma of my arms and the g tube removal that coming off of the pain meds sub Q with ongoing dilaudid being delivered was no longer a viable option...one reason is that the tube was most likely causing the deeper pain and number two...my arms were not holding up to keep the needle in and the inflammation was becoming too much. So to switch to oral medication has now become the preferred medication as long as I can keep things down...even if that were to change I have a pain patch on to offset the pain..

So Friday at 11 am I went off of the pain pump and was given instructions on how to proceed with oral meds...they fully expected me to have intense pain and so therefore did not prepare my next few days for withdrawal symptoms...I had talked about withdrawal concerns numerous times but for some reason they thought the expected pain would negate the worry of that...after 9 hours I didn't have pain but I went into intense withdrawals from dilaudid and with the hospice team and my dr and friends...brought me back up to enough pain meds to slowly bring me back down again...there is so much to the story and not enough energy to explain it in detail...I'm still in the detox phase now ...feeling better than I did...quite a ride...what seems like common sense...what seems so obvious...is not what I'm experiencing with the experts...mysterious and bizzare!

I don't quite know what to say to explain how it feels to be in my body having these experiences...I have decided to dedicate my pain to the young man 13 yr old boy in Yemen who was mutilated and tortured..I'm dedicating my pain for his pain...what he and others like him have had to endure ...as bad as it has been for me...all we have to do is read or listen to the news and we know it can always get worse ...there has to be a compassionate exchange and support for what is happening...the ultimate burning of karma ...the burning of all that is no longer needed ...how can you speak in words what appears so horrific?

As I walk into chemo tomorrow I will honor what is given to me...what experiences are happening to me and around me... perceived for me or against me is not how I can manage...I have to surrender to what is...

Dr. Bahahdor told me that he has never taken a G tube out once it's placed ...especially in my situation...most people are close to passing or they live with it for several years...what the future holds regarding a tube in or out...I do not know..just to come to this place is already a mini miracle...he also said that the level of improvement is extraordinary...I appreciate what he says...I still have to stay in the moment ...every moment changes so quickly...every mistake...every success...it's overwhelming. I know I have made it this far due to the love that is surrounding me...the friends whom spend the night to care for me ....to give me pills every 2 hours...to check on me...to hold space for me here or there...it's all about the amazing energy that is healing me...

I'm limping on my left ankle...inflammation from my feet ...the pain is still uncertain...it's not easy to understand the answers...or even the questions.....I have so much love inside to share ...I can feel myself teaching again...I can feel the possibility of driving my car to teach yoga...I can see I have some more time...

We are waiting to hear about the details of having to move...once that is understood...I will be reaching out to those of you who have so eagerly offered to help me...I will be needing so much help ...more help than ever before...the moment I know what to ask for I will be communicating....For now...

continue to breath through this detox with me...thank you for all that you are so willing to share and do and be and the caring...the depth of caring is merit that will bless you in ways you will never truly grasp....help me with your intentions...not to grasp or cling to what I think I need...help me to surrender with as little fear as possible...what is coming is coming...one step one moment at a time...send love to people who make decisions on my behalf...My current landlords ...breathe in humanity and fairness and all those things that help us do what is good for all...I know goodness is out there...I mostly see it...

Stay with me as I am with you...supporting and loving you all the way!!!!

been in detox

2011-06-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

came off pain pump medicine and transitioned to oral medicine...Have been in detox since friday mid day...will explain more details about everything ...sorry about the delay in communication...still coming out of it...will connect soon...in the meantime...wave your magic wand as life continues to show me many possibilities of pain and challenges and then right in the middle of it ...good things too...connect soon ....so much love

does it ever let up?

2011-06-02T17:33:00.000-07:00

My pain pump needle site started bleeding today...nurse just came out to fix it and change it to the other arm again...I just need a few days to catch my breath...g tube site is still good...I'm responding well from having it removed...just found out a 30 year old woman is signing into hospice with the nurse who came to help me...she had kidney cancer 3 years ago...was with hospice...went into remission...left hospice...now the cancer came back and spread ...she doesn't have long to live...so many of us wanting to stay alive...wanting to share with our loved ones...I just feel love...it's all about love...it's the nourishment I need to receive and the nourishment I must give...LOVE

tube is out

2011-06-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

the details of the day I will share later...for now...I'm home tube free and resting...it was a long emotional and painful day that turned out positive...so many of you have asked about how it went...so far so good...will share more later...love to you

not until tomorrow

2011-05-31T12:43:00.000-07:00

Just found out that I can't get my appt until tomorrow...Wed at 10:30 am...I'm sure it's the universe carving out the just right person and the just right environment to allow for a safe and successful release from the g tube...today is just not meant to be...breathing in and out a pain free pause ...stability...stay with me ...

finding my way

2011-05-31T10:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an eventful day. The pain continued and it didn't seem like the pain medicine was working. As it turned out...I wasn't receiving the full dose...due to the extreme pain that the g tube is causing...it wasn't enough...I didn't realize the needle site in my arm to receive the pain meds was inflamed...it wasn't allowing full transfer of medicine. This was going on since friday and it caught up to me and the intense pain returned...fortunately I had oral pain meds and also some was getting through...The hospice nurse came over yesterday afternoon to help me with this...while she was here we discovered that the g tube had slipped out by a few inches...not good...so...she had to push it back in and tape it down...not great for pain either...I'm currently waiting for an appointment at Sharp Memorial Radiology to take out the tube. It appears I may be able to take it out without the risk of vomiting since I have successfully been clamped off from it for almost 5 days...good sign that I may not need it...the other good thing is if it currently is the source of the pain I'm having...then the pain pump can go away and I can take oral pain meds as needed ...we just have to wait and see how my body responds.Hopefully the g tube will be removed and I'll be back home tonight...

What can I say to express where I am right now???? I'm really scared...it's true...I'm really scared...I'm really scared...I know how to breathe in the tools for my body to recognize strength...to recognize bravery...to allow for this experience to once again become another experience...

For now...please breathe with me...breathe with me...

I love you

i have extreme pain today

2011-05-30T15:17:00.000-07:00

Since 7am this morning I have been experiencing intense pain around the belly tube site g tube...it feels like it's dislodged again...how...I have no clue...I'm holding on with pain meds but barely...Please use your love and healing magic and send me a pain free g tube...it's on the upper left quadrant ...not sure what the next step is if it doesn't let up...using my reiki and qigong practices to help...

yesterday ...I had an amazing experience with a young woman who came to help me with the electronics..her kind words ...her tenderness was palpable...what a gift..a stranger walks in the door and gives and gives and gives and then engages me in raw innocence!! Thank you!

Maybe the love can help me with this pain....

reaching out for someone with sound recording experience

2011-05-29T13:18:00.000-07:00

My husband needs help with a software program called " Audicity" sound recording software" for a podcast...he needs someone who can tutor him...need help ASAP...please email me at theinnerhouse@gmail.com and or call me at 760-707-7610...thank you so much!!!

feeling some healing

2011-05-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

the last few days have revealed new markers of improvement ...truly learning to allow what is to just be that ...not to measure good means good and bad means bad...just learning to take it all in as this is the experience I'm having today or this moment...it's a feeling inside that I can't always trust 2 plus 2 equals 4...there is a sense that there is another perception...another knowing...that what we think we know is not really all that true or meaningful...sharing love always

thankful for today

2011-05-27T19:04:00.000-07:00

Thank you to a friend of a friend who is coming over Sunday to help me recycle some electronics...if it's worth it...otherwise..I'll find a great passage to another owner ...

I had some news today that was uplifting ...I'm making a tiny bit of progress and it's enough to raise my spirits!

So much love swirling around...feeling it...breathing it in...

one foot ...then the other

2011-05-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

last post I had mentioned that I need help sending electronics to a recycling company ..the company is called "Gazelle" I heard this is a great place to send back used equipment and be paid for it...I have cameras...old cell phones etc. I need help from someone who is very savvy with this sort of thing...anyone??? Email me at
theinnerhouse@gmail.com or text me @ 760-707-7610...it would be great to have that project behind me.

Taking breaths ...breathing in every moment of this experience...it's a place that I can't relate to and yet I'm here...I just stay with the breath...experiencing Tonglen for myself and the world...breathe in the pain breathe out peace...breathe in the fear...breathe out peace....breathe in uncertainty breathe out patience...breathe in love breathe out love ...breathe in love breathe out love ...breathe in love breathe out love...and so it goes....

purging and releasing

2011-05-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

Thank you to a friend who came and picked up a small truck load of charity goods to give away..small little projects help to let go and accomplish so much...so many of you are offering...no worries...I will need your help for sure..it helps also for someone to call in the morning and say I can come today offering a block of time and or the day before...I'm having a hard time planning and not planning...it's just the way it is...for now ..I don't have anything just sitting in a pile waiting to go out...so I can pause that for the moment...as I get closer to moving I'm mostly concerned about the garage stuff and that is when I'll need to have the dump runs ect...I continue to go room by room letting go of what I don't want to move with me...I know it's not until August but due to the circumstances, If I don't organize ongoing starting now...it will be a disaster.

I have old electronics that I could use help with...I know there are websites to send old stuff for sale ...if someone who is savvy on the computer and with internet sites to help me send things that is a good project...

My feet are extra painful today...walking around very carefully...

I reunited with a friend today and that felt wonderful...

enjoy the rest of this beautiful day

some improvements

2011-05-23T17:10:00.000-07:00

Over all I have had less pain...the g tube site ( belly drainage) area is the main cause of irritation and pain...I sometimes have to take extra pain medicine for that reason.

I have experienced side effects from this particular chemo called hands and feet syndrome. The main pain is at the bottom of my feet and it looks and feels like chemical burns. The pain is from the inside out due to the medicine leaking out into the tissues. The pain is similar to burning from walking over hot coals...they look like calluses or blisters ...I have researched different remedies and currently feel a slight improvement ...my next chemo will be less in the amount and will be delayed a few days to allow for healing. This side effect is so painful that I must stay ahead of it to avoid stopping the chemo. I have been able to walk in the morning and afternoon...wrapping my feet carefully so I can walk without too much pain...the walks can last sometimes an hour or more. At first the walking pace was scary slow and now there is obvious improvement. I can walk up and down my stairs with more strength as well.

I have also experienced the urge to have bowel movements again and that has been an interesting unfolding...not easy and sometimes painful and odd...not sure I can explain it. Over all it is positive...except for the hemorrhoids.

I'm starting to understand the hospice scheduling...it's not easy but it's the way it is...I will have to stay flexible with visitors coming and people helping me ect. Sometimes there will be overlap.

I'm going room by room trying to purge anything that is not wanted or needed.. I need help with taking trips to the dump and to pick up smaller amounts of give a ways to charity ...I want to do it in smaller increments so I can clear as I go as I don't have any option to store piles of things...I have a few piles now that need to go to charity...some of the trucks require you to be more organized and some refuse certain items..I have lots of books that could go to a library or to ??? I also have a broken down large trampoline that needs to go to the dump..if anyone can help me out that would be great...whatever can be donated would be great and whatever I need to pay for can be worked out. Supposedly we have to move in August...I have to truly start now so I only move what is needed and wanted. I'm taking this time to organize myself as much as possible.

I will be able to start offering a few visits/ getting things done as we visit time...I appreciate your patience with all of this as I'm learning to understand and adapt to what is happening.

Thank you for your love and your healing thoughts...I have never been in this place before...even with the past surgeries and fear that came up during those times...I have faced death many times and it just didn't happen. All I know to do is to just step one foot in front of the other ...the doors that open and the doors that close are only controllable to a point. The hospice team says it's about what I want...if I could have what I want I would be well again and teaching and appreciating my freedom so I could do my life's work...so I could rest in the dharma of my path...so what I want is not what is happening to me...it just is...I have to be able to adapt to what is...it's happening anyway...whether I want it or not...how do you reconcile with that? How do you reconcile that the only way I can stay alive is because a friend spends the night every night to care for me...to clean my wounds ...to care about the navigation of my pain and the way the tubes and bags fit onto my body...the way my husband every night...prepares IV nutrition...I have to pause and breathe and appreciate every moment I am given...to appreciate the profound gifts that have contributed to my well being...friends and husband who have not left my side until they knew it was ok...missing their own lives to keep mine going...what do you do with that??? What do I do??? I'm in a place I have never been before and I just have to trust that I am given what just is...what experiences are for my growth...for others to grow...I'm not sure about the answers to WHY...I'm not sure when or how this will unfold...I just know for now this is happening...I'm fucking scared and then I'm at peace and then it swirls again...love to everyone for without love there is no purpose.

staying in the moment

2011-05-19T08:42:00.000-07:00

Hospice says it takes about 2 weeks to adapt to how they schedule their appointments ...I receive a call in the morning and someone from hospice schedules to come out that same day...it could be for just about anything...whatever I had scheduled..may have to change or we are here at the same time...it's a different way for me to live...I have a Dr. appointment with Dr. Bahador tomorrow (friday) mid day ...it will be interesting to figure out what to wear and how to carry all of this stuff with me...bags...tubing etc. I really want to begin to accept people coming over but I also need to combine it with help...I have the costco trip taken care of for now...

Love to everyone...see you soon

meeting with more hospice caregivers

2011-05-18T10:01:00.002-07:00

one minute no one was coming to help...now...people are showing up whom i dont know...wow...love to everyone

meeting with more hospice caregivers

2011-05-18T10:01:00.000-07:00

one minute no one was coming to help...now...people are showing up whom i dont know...wow...love to everyone

making progress

2011-05-17T14:38:00.000-07:00

What a difference an hour can make...a few minutes...a comforting ...reassuring touch by a hospice nurse that we have a plan and she can help with the anxiety and confusion...even if it's for a few minutes.

I met with the hospice nurse today...I will continue to meet with her and another nurse 3 times per week or as needed . With the help of friends/caregivers, I'm learning to use new tools for this new way of living .Every moment is just that...the fear comes...the suffering comes when I wonder about the next moment. The strength and the love comes when I can relax .

If I shared with you all that we have to do to keep this going it would overwhelming to read it...however...we are adapting the best we can. It's only been 3 days since I left the hospital....time is tricky when you're uncertain.

If at all possible, Please read the blog prior to your visit so we can be on the same page right away. It would also be great if we can combine visiting with the volunteer help you wish to contribute unless it's just a simple visit. The less I have to answer the same questions over and over the better..it's amazing how tiring it is just to visit.

There have been some requests for visits this week starting immediately and I think it would be better for me to not schedule too much too soon as I meet with the caregivers this week...there is so much to do and so little time to do it by the time I have met with just the basic needs.

I am well supplied with books and magazines so no worries on those things...

I will need someone to go to costco and home depot and will reach out in the next few days as I gather my list and the people who have offerred.

Today ...my pain patch was eliminated and the sub Q ( beneath the skin) pain pump dosage was increased to compensate for the changes. I feel extremely medicated right now as I adapt to the changes. Hospice has been extremely helpful with pain management so far. Such a relief !

A second nurse will be coming shortly to help with the IV nutrition that was put into place a month ago....this will be ongoing and very helpful!

Summers Hope www.summershope.com is still up and running and the money that has been raised is going directly to paying my bills. I wish I could show you the cards..the money ...the gifts that are making their way to me...the rolled up pennies...it's been amazing ...those of you who have held fundraisers have become my true angels and the love you must feel helping another is beyond description...this is truly the time where words are not enough...nor ever will be...with my limited communication of the English language...I still want to say thank you

With so much love,
Summer

delay

2011-05-16T18:23:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to have met with the hospice team today...there is a slight delay in organizing from the hospice end of it...I haven't really met my team yet...it's a delay that makes it challenging for me to schedule people to come and visit...I need to stay very flexible...I appreciate the incredible amount of love pouring out offering to help and I do need it...please continue to offer as I may forget to contact you as I adapt to what is happening...I feel every emotion possible and I feel strong and I feel very bizarre...out of body...there is so much I need and yet I don't know what to do next...I will be a bit more organized as the week unfolds...thank you for your patience...I feel so much love and I know I will be cared for just right. I carry my life around in 3 bags...one has my nutrition ...one has my pain medicine and one has the belly tube ( g tube) bag to empty bile from my belly...it's a juggling act that I'm trying to get used to...I'm grateful to be alive and to have the pain managed so much better than it was...there is no comparison...

I feel your healing presence...I welcome your love...have a beautiful night on this full moon ...May we all learn the depth of love from all experiences but particularly the experiences that tests us on all levels.

I don't want to confuse anyone with my email address...someone said my blog has the wrong address: the correct address is...

theinnerhouse@gmail.com...not sure how to fix it or where it is...if someone can let me know I can try to correct it...

mad it through the night

2011-05-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

will share more as I can...made it through the night...won't meet hospice nurse and case worker until tomorrow...trying to find our way here as we navigate new territory...not easy...
Those of you reaching out offering to help ...please leave your phone number either my email www.theinnerhouse@gmail.com or face book or blog...

Thank you so much

back home

2011-05-14T16:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

I just got home and was anxious to communicate since my computer didn't allow me to blog since the last blog. I have much to share but for energy purposes I'm too drained to share everything now...I was brought home today under the care of Sharp Hospice. This will give me the resources I need and be able to still have care with Dr. Bahador. I will need lots of help from other friends who feel they can come and help out a lot or a little...it could be simple things or more complex things...basically, I need your help. I need to get settled in the next few days and see what the care is about with this program. I have to learn so much and yet I'm so medicated that it's hard for me to remember. Please be patient with me as I learn to ask for your help. I feel such love and appreciation for so many whom have been with me this past month...in person or far away...I need your support. I don't know about working for a while...it's too fragile of a time for me to commit to anything other than moment to moment. I love you all so much and as vulnerable as I feel right now...I also feel strong...the pain meds also make me extra sensitive so I may not fully grasp or remember what you tell me...I may be overly sensitive so I need your help with that...I will communicate more and more...I have so much to share as time goes along...please know I love you and need you and value you more than ever!

With deep sincere love,
Summer

pain has become too intense

2011-05-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

heading back to the Er...pain is insane....can't seem to get relief other than moments following pain meds...never experienced pain like this before...moments at a time is all I can do...I need a magic wand...all I can do is to breathe for all the other beings who are in this much pain or worse...it's unbelievable pain....love to all...will do my best to update you on my blog...I love you

made it through another night

2011-04-30T07:59:00.000-07:00

where is this pain coming from? it's so intense....

a better day

2011-04-29T20:50:00.000-07:00

a better day ....a rough day....still need pain relief....small improvements and then pain again...all I can do is stay in the moment...it's like child birth that is constant...love love love...breathing in love

slept better last night

2011-04-29T08:00:00.001-07:00

Going to try a new pain rhythm to see if I can stay ahead of it a bit...the pain is so random that it's a bit more of a challenge...sending love to my chemo so it shrinks the tumors so I can get my g tube out of my belly so I can teach and and and and....so much love to everyone...

I have to dig deeper for relief

2011-04-28T17:02:00.000-07:00

I have to go somewhere else for pain relief...this is very intense....I know how to breathe but somehow I lose my breath from the intense pain...help me breathe... I can't do this alone...I really need you....

rough pain

2011-04-28T12:31:00.001-07:00

forgive me if I haven't or don't communicate with you right now...it's very rough...the pain is intense...just hoping I'm close to feeling better soon...I love you

Pain

2011-04-27T18:14:00.000-07:00

I'm home and in a lot of pain..can't seem to get a handle on it...trying...if I don't improve, I have to go back to the hospital...I want to stay home...please send ease to all of this pain...I won't be working this week ...soon I hope..love to everyone...take care...Summer

looks like tuesday is the day!!!!!

2011-04-25T14:29:00.000-07:00

so far...it looks good for tomorrow...organizing home care...so much to coordinate...will stay in touch...much love

adjusting to the pain

2011-04-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

Might be getting closer to getting my pain control worked out...my fentynal pain patch dosage was increased again yesterday...looks like going home tuesday is a better plan...much love

pain and love

2011-04-23T10:31:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all that you're doing, especially what goes unnoticed...I see more than I can convey in loving thanks...I have been in a lot of pain....the g tube site...every few hours...it doesn't give me much time to visit on the phone or in person...I wouldn't be able to get through all the pain I feel if it weren't for the love I feel...thank you.

still in hospital

2011-04-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

with all of the preparations and the need to coordinate with home health care and that I'm still in pain from the g tube...the goal is to come home on monday. The sun just came out...it feels good....much love

procedure scheduled tomorrow

2011-04-17T16:36:00.000-07:00

most likely i will have a gastric tube placed in my stomach and an ng tube down my nose sometime tomorrow. it has now reached an even more critical point while waiting for the chemo to shrink the tumors that is causing the bowel obstruction @ my stomach...im vomiting several liters daily...the discomfort is huge...energetically...i could use your help...i know this chemo is working....it could take a few months...i can also shrink the tumors in other ways...if we do it together...wow...the possibilities...i miss you..i miss teaching...i love you all

where does all this vomit come from?

2011-04-16T11:12:00.000-07:00

i thought i got through the chemo with minimal side effects...then the vomiting has come to visit with more enthusiasum...for me to be able to go home, i need to have adequate pain meds... getting info now...might be coming home sunday or now maybe monday...had a challenging morning...doing better now....so much love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

update

2011-04-15T13:33:00.000-07:00

Was able to get my new chemo yesterday afternoon, after a scary alergic reaction..we were able to try again succesfully! I'm doing well today!

I also began iv nutrition...good idea since I hadn't eaten for 10 days...vomited up some meds a few min ago...feel good now...may be able to go home by Sunday....bowel obstruction still challenging...learning to navigate....

love....love...love...and more love!!!!!!!!!

still in hospital

2011-04-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

day 9 without nutrition...day 9 with bowel obstruction...day 9 practicing patience.
starting new chemo today...blood levels are low so must be monitored...will be hooked up today to iv nutrition...belly still full...possibly coming home by sunday....all is well...the experience here has been fantastic...love to you in the biggest way...thank you always....your love and support are crucial!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

still in hospital

2011-04-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

wow...not sure what to share...have had good days, thought I was going home on sunday...then several set backs after trying to eat and drink...recent cat scan shows bowel obstruction higher up ...stomach to small intestine...had an endoscopy this morning...waiting on possible surgery...waiting to start new chemo asap...waiting with patience...my care here is the finest I have ever had anywhere...amazing...if I have to be in a hospital...this is the place...obviously, I won't be working this week...all blend classes cancelled until I send out an email that I'm back...both yoga classes have wonderful subs for thurs and mon nights...
thank you for sending extra special love and healing energy,
summer

in hospital

2011-04-08T12:17:00.000-07:00

After tuesday morning class, I began feeling very uncomfortable...fullness in my belly...nausea...pain came later...vomiting and pain became intense...was able to get the mri appt in the afternoon...came home...vomited again...pain again..made it through the night...saw Dr. Bahador early am wed morning...mri results show progressive cancer disease...the current chemo is no longer working...will be starting new chemo next friday...chest xray is clear...received hydration fluids @ his office...went home...took sips of fluid..ate a small amount of food...few hours later..intense pain and vomiting...went to hospital...sharp memorial...pain and vomiting became more intense until I received pain meds @ ER ...cat scan showed bowel obstruction...was admitted at 11pm...needed pain meds until 9:30 am thursday morning...had more tests run yesterday...brain mri showed clear...other tests still need to be discussed...I'm doing much better today...most likely will go home by sunday...every day a new day... love to all...staff here at sharp are amazing...rooms are all private and clean!!!!!!!!!!!!

updated medical info

2011-04-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

I had my MRI yesterday...and a chest Xray ...barely got to the appointment...I started having bowel obstruction symptoms moments after the Tuesday morning Blend Class and it progressed into intense vomiting and bowel pain...I was on my way to the hospital and then the vomiting actually relieved the pain and pressure and I was able to get to the MRI...I came home feeling ok...and the pain and vomiting started again...I made it through the night and saw Dr. Bahador this morning...got some IV fluids and discussed the MRI report...

The cancer has progressed which now explains the Ca-125 increasing to 16,000...don't ask me why the MRI didn't show progressed disease at 9000....keep in mind this number should be below 35...mine has now been in the high thousands for 9 months...it used to read 4 when I was cancer free....At this point...it still looks like the cancer is still in the original abdominal area and has not spread anywhere else.

The plan is to discontinue the current chemo drug and to switch to a new chemo regimen starting next Friday.

I have discomfort from fluid build up in my belly and hope I can make it through the week until the new chemo starts...the cancer is causing the fluid build up. This fluid build up is quite difficult and painful...the bowel obstruction pain is a range of discomfort to full blown ice pick stabbing pain...so far I have escaped the hospital but not sure at any moment how that will go. I still haven't been able to eat...just taking sips of fluids.

I have only canceled my morning class called Blend on Thursday morning this week...I hope to feel better so I can teach yoga on Thursday night...I will post on face book and the blog if I can't teach...and of course I will notify Soul of yoga as soon as possible as I know more...at this point...assume I will teach on Thursday night unless otherwise posted.

Please pay extra special attention to my BLOG entries...FACE BOOK entries and EMAILs....this is my only way to communicate with you ...I value our relationships and it means so much to me that we care about one another so deeply...it matters on so many levels!

If you haven't already...sign up to me emailed from my blog posts...just keep in mind it shows up a day late....so a daily check in is a good idea anyway...especially if you are in my life on a daily basis...

So much love to you,
Summer

heart message

2011-04-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

I had missed my ca-125...(the cancer marker blood test that they use and that my body shows response to successfully since the beginning of my diagnosis) due to my cold a few weeks ago...I had it done this week...went to chemo on Friday ( yesterday) and the counts have gone up from 9000 to 16,000....not great news...time to get another MRI and more diagnostic tests to see where the inflammation is showing up...ca-125 reads inflammation...if the MRI shows the same in the abdominal area then it's measuring something from somewhere else in my body...the options could be ovarian cancer cells somewhere else that doesn't show on MRI...or/and a secondary cancer that often follows the primary cancer...especially after treatment for almost 5 years...I had a moment of shock yesterday and yet I know what I'm facing....I'm still hiking and working albeit less than part time but still...feeling good and happy and energetic...it's such a mystery....accepting...breathing...feeling the courage that shows up when I think I'm weak...it's all present right now.. I had a rough chemo night last night and today is a little better... a moment at a time...

Love to all,

summer

another being needs our help...sharing for mutual friends

2011-03-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

Love – Hope – Optimism – Friendship

by Michelle Raasch on Monday, March 28, 2011 at 8:32pm

A true friend shines through when times are tough. A true friend steps up to the bat and helps out when they are called upon. Friends, I’m calling on you and asking for your help and support. One of mine and Brendan’s good friends is currently in a coma, due to a horrible set of circumstances. He was leaving a local watering hole in Encinitas, when two men who had been kicked out of the bar earlier were out for revenge and he was the unlucky receiver. He was hit from behind and immediately fell to the ground. He was severely injured, with major trauma to his head, which led to brain swelling. He was rushed to Scripps La Jolla on Thursday night, where he currently resides. Today he underwent brain surgery to help reduce the swelling of his brain. Please pray for the best and that tomorrow will bring a positive change.
Eric is an amazing person, father of a beautiful little boy and husband to one of the strongest women I’ve ever met. It breaks my heart that something like this could happen to such a good person and wonderful family. It’s just not fair or right. I’m asking you, as my friend, to help out my other friends. Please click on this link and donate whatever you can to help with the financial burden my friends are enduring. Please pray, cross your fingers & toes and wish the best for the most positive outcome. Life, friends and family are so precious….kiss, hug and squeeze the ones you love. I love you all.

Please help if you can, if not, help by sharing this link...Even $5.00 will make a huge difference. Here is the direct link to donate. http://www.eventbrite.com/event/1495118941/efblike
If you would like to read more about what’s happening, please click on this link
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/ericarterburn/mystory

amazing events sponsered by the love of summershope

2011-03-29T07:16:00.000-07:00

Wow...so inspired by the loving efforts of so many beautiful souls...

www.summershope.com is offering many events to assist me offsetting the costs of medical care ....there are truly no words to describe the love that I feel!!! In return...I get to share the love with you...over and over again....

Please go to the above website and view the events section...

I made it through the first round of cycle 9 very well!!!

Have a beautiful week!!!

Summer

sharing the wisdom of Rumi

2011-03-29T07:13:00.000-07:00

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” -Rumi

cycle 9 starts friday

2011-03-24T07:01:00.000-07:00

I feel so much better and stronger as I prepare for the 9th cycle of this chemo series...my heart is so full and appreciative of the summershope fundraiser and the love that has come through from people all over the world!!! I was also very excited to get a regular cold/allergy/bronchitis ...it was wonderful to experience normal sickness...please join me for classes and more as you scroll my schedule and menu options to the right of this blog...please read the wonderful articles that have been written and please visit the yoga studios and businesses who dare to step outside the box...showing more love than most....showing financial support when their own businesses could use donations....to see and feel such faith in humanity!!! The articles and more are on the left side of the blog! Have a beautiful day!!!

recent news article

2011-03-22T14:31:00.001-07:00

Do you like this Article?

In general, San Diego County has a close-knit yoga community, and the recent fundraising effort to support Vista-based yoga instructor, Summer Autio, proves the point. In as little as two weeks time, Sherry Zak Morris, owner of Yoga Vista, was able to recruit 16 San Diego area yoga studios, various local business and numerous individuals (and the count gets higher every day), to pull together and provide funds and events to help Summer Autio in her struggle to fight Stage 3 ovarian cancer.
In 2006, Summer received the dreaded diagnosis, and has been strongly battling to overcome the illness. Since that time, she has endured numerous surgeries, chemotherapy and holistic treatments, even as she continues to teach when she feels physically able. If you personally have, or know someone who has taken this harrowing journey in combating cancer, you understand how physically, emotionally and monetarily expensive aggressive cancer treatments can be. Friends, family and well-wishers lend support for the physical and emotional needs, however, even with healthcare insurance, the cost of cancer can be astronomical, which is where Summer’s Hope comes in.

Already, the outpouring of support is astounding! Yoga instructors are donating part of their salaries, and even a percentage of workshops and local businesses are contributing outright funds as well as presenting specials where the revenue is directed to the cause. The Summer’s Hope fund is inviting the public to contribute in any way possible to aid Summer and lighten her load – from attending special workshops and classes in Summer’s honor, to skipping that drive-thru latte and donating even that seemingly small amount of change to the fund.
Of course, numerous North County and N.C. Costal yoga studios are on-board. However, even studios from as far south as Pilgrimage of the Heart in central San Diego, and A Gentle Way in La Mesa are doing their part to contribute. Please check the link below for the most current list of Yoga Studio and businesses participating. http://www.summershope.com/partners.html
So please consider practicing some karma yoga, and express ahimsa, by sharing reverence and love for a fellow life-traveler. From pennies to big green bills, your contribution is greatly appreciated. Share this information with your local yoga studio or instructor as well as friends and family. With a collective effort, we can all help Summer, and in turn, help ourselves.
For more information on Summer’s Hope check the following website: www.SummersHope.com
And for more information on Summer Autio and to check out her blog, connect to http://www.theinnerhouse.us/contact.html
You may also be interested in reading North County Yoga Examiner, Jessica Wilson’s recent article for more information on the heartfelt motivation to create Summer’s Hope. http://www.examiner.com/yoga-in-san-diego/north-county-yoga-community-comes-together-to-support-local-teacher

By Diane Ambrosini

San Diego Yoga Examiner

Diane is a certified yoga instructor, author and presenter, and believes that absolutely everyone can benefit from practicing yoga! If your...
Read more

The namesake: Summer Autio

Photo: SummersHope.com

Diane Ambrosini's recent articles

insight

2011-03-22T14:24:00.000-07:00

"When mind and body are synchronized in your life and practice, there is very little chance for neurosis of any kind to arise. The basis of neurosis, or even physical discomfort and pain, is mind and body not joining together. Sometimes the mind is miles away and the body is here. Or the body is miles away and the mind is here. The main point of practice is learning to be a proper human being, which is known as being a warrior. When mind and body are joined together, then you are joining heaven and earth, and you can be a genuine warrior. This quality of harmony will bring fearlessness. However, this fearlessness will also be punctuated by occasional fear, uncertainty, and confusion." -CTR, Smile at Fear

thoughts....

2011-03-22T14:20:00.000-07:00

"Just as a drop of water that falls into the ocean
Will never disappear until the ocean runs dry,
Merit totally dedicated to enlightenment
Will never disappear until enlightenment is reached."
-The Buddha Shakyamuni, from the Sutra Requested by Sagaramati

Happy Spring!!!

2011-03-21T16:10:00.000-07:00

Welcoming the cleansing rain...the hail...the snow...the seasonal wake up that reminds us we are so fortunate to have this safe and loving life...a good time of year to let go...release...GIVE much away ....SHARE...sincerely LOVE...be PATIENT...I'm trying that one daily....practice YOGA......see you soon!!!! ALL is WELL!!!!

much better now...

2011-03-20T19:04:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling much better now...yeah!!! I will see you all in classes all week....thank you for your patience...love to all!!!

no chemo today

2011-03-18T10:52:00.000-07:00

Because of my cold/allergies.....I can't have chemo today...that's ok...still resting and letting my body do it's thing...the good news is ...I caught a normal cold...not cancer related...so excited!!! Of course ...catching a cold sucks...but I'm ok...I guess chemo was not meant to be today...I'll build by body even stronger for next week...sending out lots of love to everyone!!!

Just for future information...anytime I can't teach my evening yoga classes for any reason at all...there are always wonderful subs at yoga vista and soul of yoga...the teachers are wonderful and I would love to take from any of the teachers who fill in for me if given the chance...as much as you love yoga...anytime I have to miss..please enjoy the love of yoga from any of these talented teachers...you will be loved and cared for and treated in the best of ways...thank you for staying open!!

The Blend classes in the mornings must be canceled if I can't teach...I always send out emails and blogs to alert the change...Fortunately, it rarely happens...thank you for your patience!

Have a wonderful weekend!!! See you soon!!!

no classes on thursday

2011-03-16T14:15:00.001-07:00

I've caught a normal cold or I'm fighting allergies...either way I can't teach on thursday...so sorry for any inconvience...so much love to you all...
Summer

wonderful perspective from Caroline...

2011-03-14T10:34:00.001-07:00

Understanding Our Relationship to the Earth

As we all know by now, the Earth has shifted once again. Just the slightest change from deep beneath the waters, a crack in the fabric of her lining, and islands quake while tsunami waves rush across shorelines. We awake believing the world – our world – is stable, only to learn again and again that this Earth is as much a living, breathing, moving, active instrument of life as we are. It is the grandest live organism we shall ever encounter, this wondrous Being that sustains us each second of our life. Weeks ago, a cyclone of unprecedented size hit Australia and an earthquake shortly afterwards moved the ground beneath Christchurch, New Zealand. Buildings fell like toys, leaving much of the town in pieces. Who knows what the final death toll will be in Japan?

It would appear that the pace as well as the intensity of long-predicted earth activity and climate change is accelerating. Like many people familiar with prediction-oriented literature, all sorts of reasons can be put forward as to why the Earth goes through a period of increased seismic activity. Scientists will come up with "scientific" data, as expected. From my point of view, if they were so knowledgeable in the first place, the massive abuses to the Earth would have never occurred because they would have used their scientific data to protect the Earth. They're great at riding the caboose on the train of environmental change. Unfortunately, the few who have had the courage to attempt to direct the engine have been thwarted by corporate and political interests who insist that all data suggesting even a hint of climate change activity is a liberal conspiracy.

On the extreme other side, I have heard many people make the comment that, "Mother Nature is angry," and that's why these events are happening. I'm not all that certain that Mother Nature functions from the same emotional system of "anger-vengeance/love-reward" that human beings do. I certainly hope not. Given that Mother Nature was an active, alive force long before we occupied this planet, I suspect that She is far more of a cosmic system of intelligence, transcendent of emotions such as anger or vengeance. Rather, if anything, I suspect that the way to understand Mother Nature is best found through the study of the Tao – the study of the laws of balance that essentially govern the activity of Nature. When Nature is out of balance, the system itself will initiate whatever action it must take in order to reestablish an environment capable of sustaining all life – not just human life, but all life. Within the realm of Nature, all life is equal. Life is precious because it is life, not because it is human life or wealthy life or educated life or young life – but because it is life.

We are now living at a time when all cycles and systems of life are out of balance, including our system of perception itself. We do not "perceive" life clearly at all and thus, we as a society make choices that are based on endless illusions. And illusions lead to disasters. There was a time not so long ago, for example, when human beings walked more humbly on the Earth and under the Sun, the Moon, and the stars. Before the "Age of Reason,” a person walked into a forest filled with the awareness that the forest was as aware of him as he was of it. He shared the ground with the forest and all the creatures who lived there. They were not his for the taking, for the slaughtering, for dominating. In times gone by, people lived in a type of consciousness in which even the slightest movement of the wind meant something – perhaps heaven was piercing the veil between dimensions, speaking in a soft breeze, moving a branch or a leaf in order to communicate a message, or a warning, or signal its approval. The stars that filled the sky at night were not just pretty, shining objects, but proof of a celestial homeland, the blanket of the Divine covering humanity. Every living creature had purpose and meaning, a place in which it was given a natural dignity because it was created by a God no one doubted existed.

Of course human beings were still human beings in those days before the Age of Reason introduced a love of logic and a God who (obviously) had scientific reasons up "his" celestial sleeve for why all things happen as they do in this whole big universe. Civilization was also a dark and dreary place back then, with disease and the plague, and endless wars … Oh wait, am I describing then or now? Oh, I'm describing their version of then, not ours. Though they also had war, and they also had epidemics, and they also had starvation, what they did not have that has driven our civilization to the brink of madness is an epidemic of narcissism blended with an epidemic of blind doubt about the existence of the cosmic structure that holds together this fragile place called Earth. Back then, no one doubted the existence of this invisible reality. Today, that doubt is an epidemic and the absence of respect and reverence for the Earth is reflected in the choices governments and corporations make as well as individuals.

Is Mother Earth angry? Don't be silly. A cosmic force hardly gets angry. But a cosmic force is seeking balance, just as your individual body seeks balance when it has been struck with a toxin. What is the difference?

The Earth will continue to have an increase in earthquakes, tsunamis, floods, droughts, and whatever else is required to reestablish balance in Her environment. She is a living organism that is, in effect, rebooting Herself. Only the human community has the idea that we somehow live apart from the Earth, that the Earth does not respond to our breathing, to our thoughts, to our actions. It's incomprehensible, to be sure, to even hold such a perspective. But the Earth is that sensitive. Recycling, I assure you, is not enough. Consider the Earth as a family member instead, as a Being that sees you as clearly as you see it. And you are on the "Earth" as much when you are standing in the midst of New York City or London as you are in the middle of a forest. You are still "on the Earth". Standing on concrete or in a building does not make it any less "Earth" except if you hold to the perception that what qualifies for the "Earth" is out of the city in green or desert nature. But that's an illusion. How can you ever be off or away from the "Earth"? It's precisely that perception – that Nature is in the country but not in the city - that maintains the illusion of separateness. You may prefer to be in the country but you always on the Earth.

Having said all this, let me turn to the loss of human life. While earth shifts are essential for the Earth to survive, they are tragic for us. They result in enormous loss of human life and we must all hold in prayer the souls and the families of the people of Japan. The fear, pain, and grief of the thousands of people is unimaginable. We learn from this tragedy once again that the life we awaken to each morning may well be completely different by the end of the day. We kid ourselves by telling ourselves that we are in charge of the length of our lifetime. We are not. We must treat each day as a gift as well as every person dear to us. We learn from this event in Japan that we can be with the Japanese community of people through prayer, through email, through FB in an instant. We are truly learning an enormous cosmic truth: We are one. And we are meant to use that truth: Pray together, heal our fellow human beings together, and heal our beloved Earth together. Put your soul to work.

Love, Caroline

Please do Tonglen

2011-03-11T12:00:00.000-08:00

Tonglen is the tool for what we are feeling....breathe in the darkness...breathe out the light....breathe in the suffering ...breathe out lightness....breathe in the fear and pain ...breathe out courage,
patience and love...keep breathing ....keep loving...keep it going....it matters....sending love and healing to all areas of the world feeling afraid and uncertain....

"In order to have compassion for others, we have to have compassion for ourselves.

In particular, to care about other people who are fearful, angry, jealous, overpowered by addictions of all kinds, arrogant, proud, miserly, selfish, mean —you name it— to have compassion and to care for these people, means not to run from the pain of finding these things in ourselves. In fact, one's whole attitude toward pain can change. Instead of fending it off and hiding from it, one could open one's heart and allow oneself to feel that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify us and make us far more loving and kind.

The tonglen practice is a method for connecting with suffering —ours and that which is all around us— everywhere we go. It is a method for overcoming fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart. Primarily it is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us, no matter how cruel or cold we might seem
to be.

We begin the practice by taking on the suffering of a person we know to be hurting and who we wish to help. For instance, if you know of a child who is being hurt, you breathe in the wish to take away all the pain and fear of that child. Then, as you breathe out, you send the child happiness, joy or whatever would relieve their pain. This is the core of the practice: breathing in other's pain so they can be well and have more space to relax and open, and breathing out, sending them relaxation or whatever you feel would bring them relief and happiness. However, we often cannot do this practice because we come face to face with our own fear, our own resistance, anger, or whatever our personal pain, our personal stuckness happens to be at that moment.

At that point you can change the focus and begin to do tonglen for what you are feeling and for millions of others just like you who at that very moment of time are feeling exactly the same stuckness and misery. Maybe you are able to name your pain. You recognize it clearly as terror or revulsion or anger or wanting to get revenge. So you breathe in for all the people who are caught with that same emotion and you send out relief or whatever opens up the space for yourself and all those countless others. Maybe you can't name what you're feeling. But you can feel it —a tightness in the stomach, a heavy darkness or whatever. Just contact what you are feeling and breathe in, take it in —for all of us and send out relief to all of us.

People often say that this practice goes against the grain of how we usually hold ourselves together. Truthfully, this practice does go against the grain of wanting things on our own terms, of wanting it to work out for ourselves no matter what happens to the others. The practice dissolves the armor of self-protection we've tried so hard to create around ourselves. In Buddhist language one would say that it dissolves the fixation and clinging of ego.

Tonglen reverses the usual logic of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure and, in the process, we become liberated from a very ancient prison of selfishness. We begin to feel love both for ourselves and others and also we begin to take care of ourselves and others. It awakens our compassion and it also introduces us to a far larger view of reality. It introduces us to the unlimited spaciousness that Buddhists call shunyata. By doing the practice, we begin to connect with the open dimension of our being. At first we experience this as things not being such a big deal or so solid as they seemed before.

Tonglen can be done for those who are ill, those who are dying or have just died, or for those that are in pain of any kind. It can be done either as a formal meditation practice or right on the spot at any time. For example, if you are out walking and you see someone in pain —right on the spot you can begin to breathe in their pain and send some out some relief. Or, more likely, you might see someone in pain and look away because it brings up your fear or anger; it brings up your resistance and confusion.

So on the spot you can do tonglen for all the people who are just like you, for everyone who wishes to be compassionate but instead is afraid, for everyone who wishes to be brave but instead is a coward.

Rather than beating yourself up, use your own stuckness as a stepping stone to understanding what people are up against all over the world.

Breathe in for all of us and breathe out for all of us.

Use what seems like poison as medicine. Use your personal suffering as the path to compassion for all beings. " Pema Chodron

shine your light today!!!!

2011-03-10T11:57:00.000-08:00

I love you Pema

2011-03-09T17:34:00.000-08:00

Thank you for all you have given me and continue to give me...I love you!

feeling great on this monday morning

2011-03-07T10:18:00.000-08:00

chemo was harder in the beginning and easier on the tail end....always different...so much to do today to catch up...my time gets squeezed with short weeks due to treatment...so much I want to do...I'm still reeling from the amazing creation from Sherry at Yoga Vista.. www.summershope.com....I'm feeling so much love and appreciation for so many beings who are participating...I don't have words other than an ongoing thank you ....I will continue to pay it forward ....pay it up...pay it back ....pay it sideways ....pay it ongoing ....so much love ....

love

2011-03-04T09:25:00.001-08:00

I merged so completely with Love, and
Was so fused, that I became Love
And Love became me.
Rumi, Quotable Quotes

doing well...being well..

2011-03-03T14:53:00.000-08:00

Sending much love out on this wonderful day!!!

I've had a great week and will be having the 3rd round of chemo tomorrow (Friday) ...then a little break...WHEW...always look forward to the pause in between...one of my favorite things...the pause in between...not just chemo but ...in general...in writing it's called an ellipsis and I LOVE that!!!! The ...
paste this link to learn more about ellipsis...
http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=yhs-avg-chrome&type=yahoo_avg_hs2-tb-web_chrome_us&p=define+ellipsis

Summer's Hope Fundraiser

2011-03-01T15:20:00.001-08:00

Please copy and paste the link below for information!!!
http://www.summershope.com/

life

2011-03-01T15:07:00.001-08:00

off to chemo today...

2011-02-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

After receiving the interesting ...wonderful...confusing and yet..." I'll take it ....NEWS..." ....I"m off to chemo for the second round of cycle 8...ready... relaxed and happy!

I also want to share the amazing energy and love that is arising at the yoga studios....

Monday night yoga @ yoga vista has exploded with powerful and uplifting energy...24 people basking in the light...it has been an honor to share yoga at yoga vista...real down home....genuine...sincere....yoga....no frills....just yoga...Sherry...(owner of Yoga Vista) has shared herself with me and the students in a way I have never seen before. She is accessible and real and her integrity is a mirror for me to uphold and reflect in my life on all levels! She opens her heart and the studio to all yogis and finds a way to bring students together who may not have had the ability or the vision to experience yoga. Due to her creative abilities...no one is turned away ....her generous heart and welcoming vision has been transformative for me and the students at yoga vista!

Thursday nights at Soul of Yoga is filled with a spiritual energy and energetic power....again the depth of student comittment and love permeates the room and lingers long after. There is no doubt that the room is filled with the vision of Tom and Trisha....and those of us who hold our classes there have the light already present in the room to lift us as teachers and to continue the transmission to our students. The 20 or more students who show every week are dedicated yogis and I'm so blessed to have that in my life!

Both studios are amazing and walking....and sometimes dancing the yogic path with sincerity and passion! I appreciate the dedication and ongoing support that both studios offer me. It is my dharmic path to share yoga from the deepest part of me and to continue for as long as my physical body remains on this Earth ...to share and to encourage all of us to step into the light of love and compassion! I know with every cell of my being that my path is clear and regardless of what I'm told about my physical body...I'm doing...I'm being my life's work...it's all been training for this moment...

Please join me in some way...I welcome your participation in all areas of my life....I may not be able to be available in person one on one in the way my heart wants to ....but...I'm always here and available from my soul and the love I feel inside. My treatment schedule can be very time consuming....the rest I need from treatments and the work schedule I try to maintain around it doesn't leave me much time to physically meet with you ....I apologize because I truly want to! Please don't interpret my distance as rejection....I'm in a place in my life that I don't even recognize ...I have so much I want to share...so much I want to share....so much I want to share....so much I want to share...and it's happening and I feel amazing!!!!

test results are in...cautiously optimistic

2011-02-24T15:00:00.000-08:00

It is very intriguing to be told last night that the MRI shows diminishing cancer while the cancer blood marker continues to rise...it is very mysterious. The chest x-ray was clear. The plan is to continue as is if and until other symptoms or blood work shows otherwise. I am relieved and cautious. I am grateful and curious. I am joyful.

on my way to....

2011-02-23T05:09:00.000-08:00

I was able to schedule the MRI and other tests early this morning...getting up at 4am like I used to ...have a beautiful day!!!

made it through the 8th cycle number one....

2011-02-21T11:15:00.000-08:00

I have to say that my experience this time was an improvement on many levels....

I have been introduced to new chemo nurses at my Dr's office and this one nurse is fantastic...she is only 24 and has the wisdom of someone twice her age...her care and attention to details has made my experience so much better...so appreciative!

I felt very sick on Friday night and then slowly improved..I tried to go for a walk yesterday and I had to have my husband pick me up...not quite ready for the longer walk and hills I had set out for...that's ok....each time I will feel better...I'm very anemic and that has it's own challenges on top of chemo rest time.

I feel better today....ready to connect again...getting ready to work today....sending lots of love out to everyone...

Still waiting on the confirmation for the MRI and some additional tests that I just found out about...need more info to know how to proceed...for now...just embracing each moment I get to share and love!

Have a beautiful day....did you see the amazing clouds over the weekend and today? Did you see the full moon??? Did you feel the amazing energy!!!

chemo cycle 8 number one

2011-02-18T08:04:00.000-08:00

Going to chemo....eight months now on this chemo...feeling mixed emotions...not knowing if it's working or if I'm just going...

One thing I've learned over the years...is to trust the path...trust what is placed before me as opportunities to learn and to grow...especially when it's so painful and uncertain...so it really doesn't matter....all experiences are just that....it's not judging this vs. that....one woman's poison is another woman's pleasure...it's really all in the perception...this is natural...this is not....it really doesn't matter at some point....just allowing the experiences to deepen me...it's happening this way naturally....even with unnatural poison....it's not what my intuitive self as an organic girl would choose...or would she???? It's really about embracing the experiences...I have made mostly natural medicine choices my entire life...with the exception of some really serious disease challenges...the natural choices didn't work...I could have given up then to the cycle of life and just let go....I did for a while and I found myself close to death....I'm not ready....I'll say it better...I'm ready if and when it's truly my time....it doesn't feel like that to me...I have so much to share...so much teaching and love to share...I'm just stepping into my time to feel life's wisdom bubbling up inside of me....it's not time yet...and yet....I find myself challenged again...what to do???? My oh my...so many opinions out there...so many judgments....all I can do and say and share is ... when you are the one faced with these decisions....then you can share your experiences and that will be helpful...until you have really walked in my hiking boots...it's really hard to know for sure..." what would you do?"

I had a very meaningful time with a woman whom I value so much spiritually and energetically ....she welcomes me into her heart and my time with her yesterday was exactly what I needed ...thank you so much...you know who you are....I love you and I value your gifts...her openness with my decisions and my desire to live life in every moment is supported and cherished by her....once again ...thank you!!!

Getting ready to embrace yet another experience....love to you on this beautiful day!!!

Sakyong Mipham
To be a warrior is to experience life on our own two feet, without the companionship of habitual patterns.

not the news I want to share...

2011-02-17T06:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I experienced every emotion possible and this morning I woke up kind of numb....all I can do is put one foot in front of the other....

The Ca-125 is now up to 8000...it was at 7000 in November of last year and then it went back down to 3900 and now up again!
I have been symptomatic with GI challenges....last week vomiting and the ongoing bowel pains...it's been mysterious to me and to Dr. Bahador because I always get better....

The Plan as of yesterday...

Schedule MRI for more info

Continue current chemo until more info is known to help with a new direction

Keep my attitude and openness to all that comes my way

All I can think of is to teach and share and continue to be an example of loving more deeply...please come and share in yoga and the other ongoing classes....At this moment, I feel strong and my body and mind are clear and ready to embrace every second of this precious life!!!

To the many friends who may feel left out....Please don't interpret my distance as not loving you in the way you felt when we were in contact....sometimes....often times....unless you are in my direct contact due to work or other immediate day to day needs...I may not have the energy to meet with you or even talk to you....I lose time even and especially when I think I'm going to have more time...the complications that occur are not in my control...I don't even get to see my own son and direct family...I know many of you are feeling rejected...I'm sorry ...please trust my love for you ....I now know how my friends who have had health challenges felt when I was the one feeling rejected...it's not easy...whomever said "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" needs some more "esplaining" ...

I welcome your prayers....your powerful energy that is uplifting!!! I welcome your warmth and your love and I will always be sending it right back to you!!!

May we not waste one moment.... show love and compassion to each other!!!!

BIG TESTS TODAY

2011-02-15T07:26:00.001-08:00

Today is the day to check the more important blood work...very important to plan my future treatments...discussion with Dr. Bahador tomorrow afternoon...will keep you posted....send me some extra love and courage for the next few days....have a wonderful day !!!! See you on the mat !

Time to bring out my warrior spirit!!!

Today I feel GOOD!!!

2011-02-14T10:06:00.000-08:00

I feel so GOOD....YEAH!!!

Have a happy day!!!!

Dance your happy heart

2011-02-13T11:43:00.000-08:00